The Tale Of The Terrible Parent

I'll let you in on a couple secrets. One: I am very pessimistic, analitical (sp), and negative in life. Two: I think I am a terrible parent and find it annoying when people think I am a great mother.

I believe in a life of learning and bettering yourself (how is that for overly dramatic). I spend a lot of time at Maggies Place taking parenting programs. I try to seek out "court ordered" programs. These are programs that near "unfit" parents are stipulated to take in order to keep their kids/ custody arrangements.

I just cant get over the idea that I am ruining my children's lives with every movement I make and it drives me nutty. I am not overly affectionate but find it easier to be so with babies than older children. And therefore I am obviously ruining Samara's chance at feeling accepted in lfie by bot wanting to sit with her up my butt constantly. Therefore she will become the type of adult who will seek acceptance by following others into stupidity. She will be a doormat.

I yell ALOT therefore Donavan will grow up with yelling and frustration being the only thing he knows. He will be a harsh and abrasive husband and parent.

I try to get Samara to play in her room by herself so she will be able to entertain herself as she gets older and not be one of those people who needs to be entertained to be happy. And yet becuase she wont go in her room and play I spend alot of our time stubbornly trying to get her to. Perfect world, she goes and plays in her room with barbies etc for a half hour, hour or so then comes out adn colours or whatever. Reality I tell her to play in her room and she comes out and I tell her to play in her room and she comes out, i tell her to GO PLAY IN HER FREAKING ROOM, she comes out. on and on and on ALL DAY. and so I feel like she is neglected becuase I am so frustrated by her not playing in her room that by the end of it I want nothing to do with her. She will grow up and remember how distant her mother was and then again will suffer from a need to be accepted.

I am reading a book by Barbara Coloroso (sp). and she teaches the golden rule, ould you like to be treated as you treat your child? For younger kids, would you like to be yelled at or ridiculed at 70 for an "accident" or somethign you "forgot"? And about the charts and so on. At 70 how would you quality of life be if you were rewarded with stars towards BINGO that could be taken away for bad behaviours?

So I am going to try to emulate that. When I am freaking out adn about to launch into a tyrade I need to think would I like it?

I grew up with a lecturing mother. And her lectures were long and the punishment held to the very end. Her lectures sent me into anxiety attacks where my stomach would tightened so bad I would have pulled muscles for days. My knees would be weak and I would be tempted to puke at the thought. I dont want that for Samara. (I say her more so because of Donavan's age.)

I know that I need downtime more than the while I get when the kids go to bed and that makes me a lenient parent but I often wonder if that makes me a neglectful parent too? I hear teh mothers talking about no time to read or watch a movie or start a crafting project and its not like that for me. If I want to read I do. I watch movies and I knit crochet or do whatever else I am doing that day. The kids survive without me underfoot...

I dont know.