Story of My Life

Little tired, little bored, little sad to be left home.

Didnt get child support or any response to my emails.

Went shopping today (borrowed from sil against my gst). I bought a pretty dress. it was $15.00 down from $59.00. I cant wait to wear it. I am going to get a chunky necklace to match it.

I think on Monday I am going to call the daycare in this area and see if I can get Donavan ina subsidized seat. Even if he only goes a day or soa week thats time I can get things done without him in my lap. He is getting way clingy suddenly.

Sherry's "party" tomorrow then paintballing on sunday. I am excited about paintballing but I really cant wait to have a day to just hang out with the kids. I feel guilty when theyre being shuffled off. Yesterday I was working (only 3.5 hours but still) and today I was shopping. (In my defense there I never ever ever go anywhere really.)

I cant wait to get the van so I can feel like I have a little more freedom when I am home with the kids. Its so far to walk anywhere and by the time I get home I dont want to do anything. If I dont get out as much as possible then I wont leave the house. UGH. I feel down and out and tonight it is worse becuase my flipping throat hurts again.

Doesnt help that i cant sleep AT ALL lately and feel like crap all teh time becuase of it. I dont dare drink coffee or tea etc because I am scared ill never actually sleep. (I admit I do indulge in the occasional ice cap here and there. Pretty sad when the only time a person feels okay is when theyre drinking that.)

UGH

Pity party table 1.

Its feels like donavan is never going to get over this cold and never going to sleep in his own bed (or all night).

And Samara just wont UGH. I am at my wits end with that child right now. Am I a terrible mother becuase I just wish my child would BE NORMAL?!?!?!? (please dont lecture me on NORMAL and blah blah. I get enough of it in my head.) Seriously? what did I do to deserve her?
I would understand if she had SOMETYPE of special need etc but GOOD GRIEF. mentally etc regestering above her own age category shouldnt mean that UGH. If the only thing different from her to other kids is that she is smart(er) <<<>>>> then shouldnt she actually listen? I dont believe she doesnt UNDERSTAND not picking on her brother. I think she yearns for more attention but I dont know. If I try to do something with her or even just sit by her she starts irritating me fast. or doing annoying or odd things. WHY CANT SHE BE NORMAL?!?!?!?!?

I am tired of being treating like a flipping idiot.

I am tired of feeling like a flipping idiot.

I am tired of feeling like I am either doing TOO MUCH or not enough.

CANT FIND A SITTER TO SAVE MY LIFE.

If I dont get the van so I can go on my trip Ill be done. Absolutly done. I am tired of being optimistic when noone else will be. I am tired of feeling CONSTANTLY ridiculed.

I think I need to go read my book and try to get my mind off this shittiness. I am not going to sleep tonight anyway and teh longer I sit here with my self pity the worse Ill get.

The Truth Hurts

Yep. I am all alone in my quest for a tidy house. I just need a game plan now. WHY OH WHY.

Whenever I think of cleaning I want to just throw up my hands and give up. It is a horrible depressing feeling. And it is even worse that somethign so stupid as maintaining a tidy house is enough to make a grown woman (me) feel this way.

Ugh. How lonely.

There is nowhere I can look that is tidy. Or clutterfree. (Or particularily clean for that matter). I truely am a suckidy suck of a housekeeper.

Then after wanting to jump out a window to avoid tis lonely task I get filled with rage. Absolute black rage. And I want to break things and though stupid shit out... A caseless cd that floated from the top of the computer tower to the printer adn now has been on the floor all day. Am I the only one who has seen it? If now is the cd some "test" of is 'she going to pick it up' to be rubbed in my face later? 'look how long THAT has been there!'

Then I shake my head and tell myself that that is paranoia talking. And obviously feeling like that doesnt help anything.

Know what also doesnt help? Thinking about cleaning that pile of papers and shoes and rug behind the chair that I am looking at. And so I will go and clean it but before I have finished the depressed sadness is back and I think about the awesomeness that is me crouched behind the rocking chair on a Friday night while home alone with Donavan who is in bed. Then I can think about how this is definatly not what I was expecting ever. A week before 24th birthday, on GOOD Friday all alone cleaning up a pile of crap (not literally thank goodness or I would be running for a razor blade, i swear to god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

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Not a cry for help or anything, put away your crisis helpline books. Just a friendly example of how something so stupid as cleaning my livingroom can give calm and collected me an anxiety attack.

Id best go do something horrifyingly boring like dishes with no partner to dry them with me and try to calm the heck down.