A Wonderful Start To A Panic Induced Day

So this morning started pretty well. I was in a great mood. Samara's homework was done with NO fuss. got kids and dog into van at a great time. Got Samara to school. Decided that since payday is pretty close now I would pick up a couple sausage mcmuffins for breakfast and get Kevin up early. I was in a great mood.

Left teh drive through and heard a few odd noises under teh passenger side. Then a ting-y noise. and low and behold NO POWERSTEERING. Instantly I was angry. I just joked to my parents how I was waiting for the next thing to break on teh van last night.

the mechanic (friend of a friend) I took the van to just did a ton of work under teh front end (supposedly) so why was it doing that now? Got home and wrote an angry email to him and his wife (wasnt sure who would be online first).

Voila teh response:

"sell your hunk of shit! lol or drive it to the ground.... i got the same problem with my own van, next spring i wanna get a set of wheels that is like with a bank loan to pay for it! lmao... so, i pay for a new set of wheels instead of a hunk of shit... it will be well worth it for me. but im gonna work on perfact bills for 6 to 8 months and than apply... maybe you can work on the same! Sorry, Steve isnt home today hes driving people to dartmouth for medical appts. "

seriously?

wait...

seriously?!?!
SERIOUSLY?!?!!!

Oh good god.

I looked under the hood, the belt snapped and was gone. HOPEFULLY thats it. I am going to have a belt put on it and pray that was it. Then I am saving money... and saving and saving. Then I am going to have the van looked over by an actually mechanic, not an idiot.


But until then I am going to suffer. and suffer and suffer.

I cant breathe, my stomach hurts, my chest hurts, my jaw and head hurt. I feel like if I speak I will bawl... Pretty sure it is safe to say that I could. My hands are stiff and tingling... my feet are cold.

I want to go to bed and sleep.

Thats not a good thing. I dont nap. I hate naps. As soon as I go sleep ill be done. I wont be getting up I can promise you.

Its usually when this feeling sets in and stays that I need to hit the good dr for a pick me up. I need to numb out and chemically my brain needs to be informed that it doesnt really matter. It is OKAY.

I am not good with anger. I cant be bothered to stay mad ever adn it always becomes internal. Alot of "I AM A FUCKING IDIOT" flying aroud in my head. Hard to be "happy" and optimistic when you want to throw yourself off teh roof in "revenge" for being an idiot.

I hate failure and to me this is a BIG FAIL.

Right now It is a struggle to stay in control and nix the want to go hibernate.

I am listening to some happy and upbeat music and consentrating on stupid facebook games.

Maybe if I can get 1 more level on farmville I will feel like less of a failure? Maybe?

I just need to take it one breath at a time I guess and stop beating myself up. As long as Kevin stays in the bedroom with his game we shall be fine. Him being angry abut the van being a "lemon" (his word) just makes me feel guiltier. The thought about that right now is quite painful.