The Tale Of The Terrible Parent

I'll let you in on a couple secrets. One: I am very pessimistic, analitical (sp), and negative in life. Two: I think I am a terrible parent and find it annoying when people think I am a great mother.

I believe in a life of learning and bettering yourself (how is that for overly dramatic). I spend a lot of time at Maggies Place taking parenting programs. I try to seek out "court ordered" programs. These are programs that near "unfit" parents are stipulated to take in order to keep their kids/ custody arrangements.

I just cant get over the idea that I am ruining my children's lives with every movement I make and it drives me nutty. I am not overly affectionate but find it easier to be so with babies than older children. And therefore I am obviously ruining Samara's chance at feeling accepted in lfie by bot wanting to sit with her up my butt constantly. Therefore she will become the type of adult who will seek acceptance by following others into stupidity. She will be a doormat.

I yell ALOT therefore Donavan will grow up with yelling and frustration being the only thing he knows. He will be a harsh and abrasive husband and parent.

I try to get Samara to play in her room by herself so she will be able to entertain herself as she gets older and not be one of those people who needs to be entertained to be happy. And yet becuase she wont go in her room and play I spend alot of our time stubbornly trying to get her to. Perfect world, she goes and plays in her room with barbies etc for a half hour, hour or so then comes out adn colours or whatever. Reality I tell her to play in her room and she comes out and I tell her to play in her room and she comes out, i tell her to GO PLAY IN HER FREAKING ROOM, she comes out. on and on and on ALL DAY. and so I feel like she is neglected becuase I am so frustrated by her not playing in her room that by the end of it I want nothing to do with her. She will grow up and remember how distant her mother was and then again will suffer from a need to be accepted.

I am reading a book by Barbara Coloroso (sp). and she teaches the golden rule, ould you like to be treated as you treat your child? For younger kids, would you like to be yelled at or ridiculed at 70 for an "accident" or somethign you "forgot"? And about the charts and so on. At 70 how would you quality of life be if you were rewarded with stars towards BINGO that could be taken away for bad behaviours?

So I am going to try to emulate that. When I am freaking out adn about to launch into a tyrade I need to think would I like it?

I grew up with a lecturing mother. And her lectures were long and the punishment held to the very end. Her lectures sent me into anxiety attacks where my stomach would tightened so bad I would have pulled muscles for days. My knees would be weak and I would be tempted to puke at the thought. I dont want that for Samara. (I say her more so because of Donavan's age.)

I know that I need downtime more than the while I get when the kids go to bed and that makes me a lenient parent but I often wonder if that makes me a neglectful parent too? I hear teh mothers talking about no time to read or watch a movie or start a crafting project and its not like that for me. If I want to read I do. I watch movies and I knit crochet or do whatever else I am doing that day. The kids survive without me underfoot...

I dont know.

Go Salma

SO I was just reading that on a factfinding mission for UNICEF in Sierre Leona, Salma Hyak (spelled badly of course) nursed a starving baby whos mother couldnt produce milk. Personally I think that this is an awesome and unselfish act and I am absolutly amazed. When Samara was a baby and I was first nursing I asked a few friends who were also nursing at the time if they would feed a baby that they found abandoned in the street. I was surprised at the time that not everyone would have. It is a crazy thing. A woman with the ability to nurish a starving baby with their replenishing food source, not doing so.

But then on teh otherhand if something happened and your baby was the one found would you want another woman breastfeeding it? It is easy to say, "well yes as long as she DOT DOT DOT (doesnt drink, doesnt smoke, etc)" but if your baby is found you dont have the choice to specify the DOT DOT DOT.

What do you think?

Friday Fill Ins... It IS Friday, right???

Rigggghhhhtttt????

1. Please don't tell _anyone ____.
2. Can you __make me breakfast___ in the morning?
3. The color __orange___ makes me want to __puke___!
4. I have a craving for __chippies___.
5. If my life had a pause button, I'd pause it __on the kids___.
6. Eyes are the _blinkiest part of my body____.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to _donavan going to bed____, tomorrow my plans include __cleaning___ and Sunday, I want to __knit something___!

TODAAAAAAYYYY

Blog blog blog blog bloggy blog blog blog.

Well Ive been creating lately and feeling awesome about it. (Plus alot of reading).

Tuesday I bought the next book in my Southern Vampire Series. I re-read the first one again (Dead Until Dawn) and then followed directly by teh next one. (Call me Henri, I have finished number 2!!!!) I am dying until I can get the next ones... Seriously, if jackass miraclulasly pays me afterall I am buying them. (Because I deserve it, right???)

Few days ago I crochet'd a baby girl beret. It is so fricking CUTE. I cant wait to start one for Samara. I also made (am making) a pair of handwarmers. First time ive ever followed a knitting pattern. I was touch and go with purling so it was start and stop to begin with... But I managed to actually finish one then start on the second (ME! who never finishes anytrhign!!!!) The second is actually almost done.

Samara had a cute funny moment today. She and I watched Dante's Peak. All through the movie she kept saying that she thought so and so would die. and so and so and so on... then when the movie ended adn everyone was okay (cept the nanny...) she said, "I knew it would be a happy ending..." Umm no kid... you thought they were all going to die slow deaths. She was saying how volcanos are only make believe and happened a LONG LONG time ago... I figured it was a good time to teach her a little about earth so I told her there were volcanos in other places... She asked me where... I couldnt think of anywhere right then so I said I didnt know... and she promptly informed me, "thats because they happened a LONG LONG time ago..." Well duh. She is so funny to watch movies with.

We watched Gran Turismo the other day. It was an awesome movie. WATCH IT!!!! (lol) Troy is coming over tonight adn I guess theyre watching it again. LOL. I am waiting to watch pride and glory (or whatever)

Friday Fill Ins

Join the fun!


1. I'd really like ___take a lonnnng nap__ right now.
2. __FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!___ is the word you'd most often hear me say if I stubbed my toe.
3. Possession is __the foundation of a sickly relationship___.
4. ___fuck__ Captain Jack Sparrow. (see the mood I am in)
5. Marshmallows and fire go together like __salt and pepper___.
6. ___She goes__ on and on.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to __cards with Kev___, tomorrow my plans include __a treat, I hope___ and Sunday, I want to ___relax__!

A Blog... Not a Baby one Either.

So APARENTLY I havent been blogging enough and what I do turn out is just "baby blogs". LOL. Well here is a real live one.

Projects:

Yesterday I finished the cloth diaper I was makign for Donavan. It turned out great. Next one I will make longer though, maybe then he wont be able to pull his penis up and over. Besides that magical phenominon the diaper was a success. and super awesome if I do say so myself. I will post a picture when it comes out of the wash. (I just have to sew around the button holes.) I think I am going to try my hand at a rag quilt next :):)

Family:

All if pretty well. I am trying to sleep train Donavan and it isnt going BADDD. I took the mattress out of his crib. Samara was invited to a birthday... the mother of the child is extreamly annoying. I am hoping that it will be a party I can drop her off at. LOL.

Etc:

Ummm???

I bought 3 dozen or more historical romance novels at salvation army last week. I am in smut heaven.

I am currently playing virtual villagers. oh how fun...

UMMMM?

I ahve to go clean before i am driven nuts by donavan trying to eat wierd things... Like a big banana hairclip...

Things That Annoy Me

I am having an irritated day today.

Got my fabric project done. Prototype flannel diaper is done and on the baby. It is an ex[eriment in how I could make it better. I think it is pretty darn good. Sewing machine is annoying but Ill suffer until someday I can afford a good one :)